To be Natural is a Very Difficult Pose to Keep up

I'm watching the wind chase the leafs on the path. The cloud free blue sky contradicts the still full leafed trees. It's been awhile since I've been one with nature. I feel like I get so caught up in my thoughts I forget my morals and my virtues. When did I let my reasoning get the best of me and loose my insight of what is natural to me. My mind has been askew ,my own manipulation of fears of the future. I lost my perception of what came natural to me because of my insecurities and anxiety. Physically, you might see the damage but I can easily cover up any fallacy. How did my concepts of fear become some powerful and overtaken that I question myself of what is right and wrong. I began to look out in society to find a silhouette of who I should be.

Starting college I lost my sense of self. Somewhere in me my child-like essence wants to break free but a conflict with my ego is winning the battle. 

  

When did my intuition become less than my reasoning? Watching the birds soar, I realized how much I miss my freedom, my need to be creative, and my passion I had for my daily activities like when running and curiosity was an end in itself. Curiosity has now turned into a fixation of how my reality should play. I've become dependent on thoughts and what I should do, when, where, and why. It's mentally draining and truly I am exhausted of it. 

I've been searching for the meaning and purpose of life because of all my contemplating. It's like on big equation spelt out in my mind: the one purpose of life=? I've never pondered on this question or have my innovations been more philosophical about this wonder but I am realizing that  the beauty of life is that everyone has their own individual life and they all express it in their own way. There can't  be a common purpose and if there was an overall objection then that would end up controlling people and take them away from their own sense of self and dreams. Like I said early I've been looking for a silhouette or outline of my purpose or who I should be. I knew the answer all along, be yourself. 

This reminds me of a phone call I had with my mom, she was trying to play the Favorite Game by asking who I missed the most and she was hinting I should miss her the most..I said of coarse I missed her the most but I said that was biting my tongue from saying I miss myself the most. I'm still here and glimpse of myself shine when I'm in the moment but are quickly shut back down by my worry. 

I've been sitting hear for a while the sun is slowly setting beneath the branches of the trees. There is no worries in nature it's at peace and nothing is disturbing it. Beauty doesn't go away just the views of it and I'm ready to find the beauty in my naturalness again.