I thought growing up was something that happened automatically as you got older. But it turns out it's something you have to choose to do.

 I like to play make believe. I like to pretend I am all dressed up in a tall modest dress with a set of long sophisticated pearls twirled around my posed neck and my pair of heels portray my stableness and security but when you get a closer look you can actually see the fear and innocents behind the amateur applied lipstick. The heels are barely filled and the pearls are clumsily wrapped around my neck. You can see nothing more than a little girl trying to fit in. 

             Starting college, I never felt such a rush to grow up. The comfort of your moms hand holding yours become lost with new responsibilities and obligations. You loose your sense of security and comfort when what was familiar to you becomes the real world. 

              My sense of imagination and creativity is replaced with work and no play. I crave to play with my care free nature but I am holding back. 

           

"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" 

          I can't go back to the comfort of my family and being in the arms of my friends like it was a few months ago. What was then is not now and and what is now is not then. That is the beauty of time, although it ticks the the same 60 minutes each is moment is unique. I can't look for comfort in the past and try to make it work today

              I have to take each day as it come as a mature girl or not. I can't change the past and I can't be afraid of what I don't know. I can freely explore with an open heart and the rest will follow. 
              The world is big but If I can't fit in with the everyone I'm not going to play dress-up with myself when I can play make believe with the world. 

Loyalty is the pledge of truth to oneself and others

I am an avid astrologist and I know much about my astrologic sign, leo. Last night I found myself laying under the stars with my boyfriend and becoming aquatint with astrology once again.

Leo's are known for their loyal essences and last night the word loyal in our research stood out in my mind the most.

I believe loyal very much portrays who I am. I make commitment with others and stand by them supporting their dreams and aspirations. I would love to stop whatever I am doing to give a helping hand and to make sure everyone or anyone is  OK. I'm coming to conclusions I am very true to other people but somehow I forgot the most important person who needs the most loyalty: myself. 

Being loyal to yourself is probably the only commitment people tend to break. We get caught up with caring for love ones and from over working and we forget about our own goals and aspirations that fire our intuitions and which we lose our sense of self. The most important thing we can do is stay faithful and committed to our passions because in the end if anyone deserve loyal and commitment it is your own self. 

Being Loyal creates bonds, connections, and an overall admiration and love. When you loose that loyalty in yourself you lose your sense of true essence. 

If anyone is there for you it would be your own self, so be true, faithful, and loyal

Home is where the heart is

I always anxiously mark down the days on my calendar until the day that is circled going home! Something I've noticed about college or even in my dorm is that, it's not home. Going home this weekend I realized that it is much more than just your room to yourself and a home cooked meal. Home is the comfort of unconditional love and security. Reminiscence is around each corner, conversation, and time spent together. My home opens your heart and this made me recognize my discomforts in Tampa.

I went to Tampa with a closed heart. I was insecure and afraid of my new surroundings. I am in a new residence hall and my only comfort and what I only knew was three and half hours away. I lost who I was trying to fit in and trying to become comfortable. I tried to stay busy with my studies and hide from what is unknown to me. 

Being home this weekend it was easy to pick up were I left off, it was like I never left home. Today I ran two miles and walked a mile and enjoyed it. Running is who I am and some how in Tampa I lost my true essences. I never felt such love and comfort in my house. I stretched out on the couch and embraced my dog Alice and felt the warmth of the sun setting through the blinds. I was at home and myself. My heart is wide open and I have no uneasiness here. 

Tomorrow on my way back to Tampa I'm bringing my home with me. i can't bring back my mom, brother, or dog. My bed won't fit in my boyfriend's car, and I'm pretty sure my shower can't be detached from the bathroom without causing physical damage to my house but 

tomorrow I'm bringing an open heart back up to Tampa this way it will be my home away from home

To be Natural is a Very Difficult Pose to Keep up

I'm watching the wind chase the leafs on the path. The cloud free blue sky contradicts the still full leafed trees. It's been awhile since I've been one with nature. I feel like I get so caught up in my thoughts I forget my morals and my virtues. When did I let my reasoning get the best of me and loose my insight of what is natural to me. My mind has been askew ,my own manipulation of fears of the future. I lost my perception of what came natural to me because of my insecurities and anxiety. Physically, you might see the damage but I can easily cover up any fallacy. How did my concepts of fear become some powerful and overtaken that I question myself of what is right and wrong. I began to look out in society to find a silhouette of who I should be.

Starting college I lost my sense of self. Somewhere in me my child-like essence wants to break free but a conflict with my ego is winning the battle. 

  

When did my intuition become less than my reasoning? Watching the birds soar, I realized how much I miss my freedom, my need to be creative, and my passion I had for my daily activities like when running and curiosity was an end in itself. Curiosity has now turned into a fixation of how my reality should play. I've become dependent on thoughts and what I should do, when, where, and why. It's mentally draining and truly I am exhausted of it. 

I've been searching for the meaning and purpose of life because of all my contemplating. It's like on big equation spelt out in my mind: the one purpose of life=? I've never pondered on this question or have my innovations been more philosophical about this wonder but I am realizing that  the beauty of life is that everyone has their own individual life and they all express it in their own way. There can't  be a common purpose and if there was an overall objection then that would end up controlling people and take them away from their own sense of self and dreams. Like I said early I've been looking for a silhouette or outline of my purpose or who I should be. I knew the answer all along, be yourself. 

This reminds me of a phone call I had with my mom, she was trying to play the Favorite Game by asking who I missed the most and she was hinting I should miss her the most..I said of coarse I missed her the most but I said that was biting my tongue from saying I miss myself the most. I'm still here and glimpse of myself shine when I'm in the moment but are quickly shut back down by my worry. 

I've been sitting hear for a while the sun is slowly setting beneath the branches of the trees. There is no worries in nature it's at peace and nothing is disturbing it. Beauty doesn't go away just the views of it and I'm ready to find the beauty in my naturalness again.